It’s interesting looking back on my few posts and realizing that I always run back here whenever times get tough. I’m still dealing with my social anxiety and the depression hasn’t been too bad lately….but I guess it’s because I’ve been in a relationship…which worries me, why is my happiness dependent on someone else? Or the actions of others?
Anyway…what brought me here today was that my father told me that he didn’t care if I never talked to him ever again….so loving right?!…I don’t know what bothers me more : the fact that he decided to lash out on me for no reason or the fact that I don’t really care? I’ve barely been existent to my family all my life, so to hear that he doesn’t care if we never speak, it’s hurtful but also kinda like whatever.
If anything, what bothers me is the fact that today I realized that without my boyfriend and without my family, that I already barely speak to, I have no friends or anything. I guess I can tell I’m about to fall into my depression again so I’m just preparing…I don’t even know what I’m going to do, kinda just over everything.
I just don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I’m back on zoloft and been upped to 100mg. I think I spoke too soon, I don’t know if it’s because school started again and the stress of having to navigate through people, being ignored, passing classes, or what..but everything just went downhill. I started Z again about 3 weeks ago and its been fine I guess, once again, my emotions are just gone and my appetite is out of control. On another note, I keep having negative flashbacks from the past, feeling super guilty about the dumbest things and being paranoid 24/7. At this point, I don’t know what’s better: super depression and anxiety or nightmares and paranoia? Idk, either way it just seems like something will always be wrong.
Well, I’ve been going to therapy and talking about issues other the past 3 weeks too..it seems to be going well, but I guess my biggest trouble is just opening up. How do you share your trauma with a stranger? How do you open up? Where do I begin? I’m just planning on laying all my issues out on the therapist at the next couple of meetings and then see what he does with the information. I don’t know, hopefully it helps.
I hate to be so negative, but I just can’t help it. I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything. I’m alone, no one to talk to…except from the therapist now. I avoid watching the news because it’s just negativity; I avoid going out and being social because I just end up panicking; I try to communicate with my family, but they just don’t want to know; all my “friends” have slowly dwindled away over the years; I have no interests in doing anything. I hate being like this.
So….I made the executive decision to come off of zoloft. It’s been 3 days now and I’ve never felt better. I went from 75mg to 0 cold turkey and luckily, I haven’t had any withdrawal symptoms. Also, I’ve felt practically the same, other than the fact that I actually have my emotions back; puppy videos make me cry again lol. Haven’t told my psych yet and don’t plan on it until I’m off for a month..just so I can see how it goes. I’ve noticed my anxiety is slowly returning, but the depressive thoughts aren’t, so I guess that’s good? My biggest fear was becoming dependent on meds all my life, so I’m glad I don’t have to rely on them in order to feel “happy”. Hopefully this continues going well. If I experience withdrawal in the future, I guess I’ll go back on the meds and step down as recommended when coming off of them. For now, I’m glad I decided to stop.
My next step will be exploring other coping mechanisms for my depression and anxiety. Natural remedies? Meditation? Not sure….will update again.
I’ve secretly been on Zoloft for 6 months, with the knowledge of no one other than my psychiatrist. Initially, I think the Z was working well…but after a recent appointment I’m not sure if I want to carry on. Turns out since starting Z I’ve gained 40lbs. 40lbs in 6 months! And my psych says that it does not cause weight gain?..rather I am probably eating too much…?? I’m not sure, it just seems weird to me that all of this weight came out of nowhere. Now, on top of that I’ve been super irritable to the point that I’ve just completely avoided talking to people. Usually I would say I’m a pretty nice person, but after spazzing out at customer service workers at 3 different companies (something I would never do), I’m really starting to think the Z has something to do with this? Now, I must admit, these moments of irritability usually occur on days when I skip the Z. So, I guess it is working, being that it keeps my emotions in check? I don’t know…psych says he will gladly switch the medication, but after all that I read online about withdrawal, I’m kinda scared to even face such a situation. I guess I’ll be on Z for the rest of my life? All of this is just so weird, I feel so isolated from everything but I feel like I need to stay on it because at least I’m not having daily breakdowns and negativity. Instead I’m just emotionless (yay). So I decided to create this blog as a diary of life I guess, because I’m bored, confused and isolated. Not sure what will come of this.